Top Ten Wounds

I'm done with writing for the time being - at least until I take it to the next level and get money for it - so this is the season to Blog! We're almost in to December and you know that means a time for lists. But before I roll out my second annual "must have" Christmas List for the gourmand (ok, I skipped last year), I'm going to put out my ten most painful Kitchen Wounds . . . "it's called "wounded", Peanut. Injured is when you fall out of a tree or something."

For clarification, these are all things that can be prevented, but for the seven deadly cooking sins (stupidity, impatience, greed, ego, hunger, vanity, pride, and sloth). So in no particular order, but all from personal experience:

1) Bumping your head on the corner of the Stove hood.

The downside of renovating a kitchen - seriously upgrading appliances so that you need a hood vent that powers a fan like a Pratt & Whitney engine can power an Airbus A-320 - is that the corner of the hood tends to attract a forehead like. . . well, like a Pratt & Whitney engine attracts a bird.

2) The burn

This is the simple, stupid, "fuck am I an idiot" type wound - the result of reaching over and grabbing the metal handle of a pot that's been steaming vegetables or boiling potato's. It's intensified by anyone who decided to go for "gas": nothing heats up a pot handle like gas (they don't tell you that in a marketing brochure)!

3) The steam burn

Now, this is a special type of burn - it is attributed to impatience and ego. . . as in, I wonder if it's done, and God I bet it looks good!

4) The butter burn

Ok, you've got your fancy frying pan, you're cooking with gas, and you're pan-frying a medley of autumn harvest vegetables in butter, and you feel inclined to flip them - just like they do on the Food Network. Here's a tip, butter doesn't splatter, it splashes. . . in great puddles. . . that hurt like crap when they land on your arm. . . in puddles! And the only thing that makes this type of wound worse? It's when the piece that hasn't quite melted is the piece that lands on your arm - it leaves purple scars, still visible after two years.

5) The Chili burn

Unlike the tears caused by onions which are just a natural part of cooking, made less harmful by a really sharp knife, the chili burn is the result of not paying attention. You're whipping up the perfect meal- not necessarily Mexican or Thai, just one that demands a little heat - and in a moment of vanity you brush the hair out of your eyes. . . and for the next two hours you're pouring cold water onto your eye as you try to hold your eyelid open. . . it was a fricken' Scotch Bonnet!

6) Grating a digit

I don't get this - everyone who has used a grater must have grated a "digit" - probably the knuckle of the thumb. And as the graters get smaller, ideal for zesting a lemon or shredding garlic, the propensity to include a touch of skin increases. So why is it that no one has created a knuckle-guard. A grated thumb-knuckle really fuckin' hurts.

7) The knife cut

It may seem strange, but I am a big fan of the knife cut - or slice. In my mind, this is the least painful, albeit most common, kitchen wound. If you've got some Band Aids handy (which every serious chef should) then with a little cold water, a paper towel and a bandage, you'll be back in business within a couple of minutes. A good sharp knife is the key: if you haven't cut yourself lately, then you're not trying hard enough.

8) The Shuck

Ok, the "Shuck" is a serious wound - if you succumb to this you want it to happen before the third glass of wine - 'cause you're probably going to end up at Emergency. By the very technique that an oyster is shucked, you're likely going to stab yourself quite well - and the angle of attack is ideal for an artery-slicing wound; if you're lucky, you'll escape with a good indentation in to the fleshy part of your thumb which, surprisingly, yields a fair amount of blood.

9) The mandoline slice

I have to admit, I have yet to succumb to this wound - a friend of mine has. And in his telling I could only see one advantage - the mandoline slices off pieces of flesh; so the scar from that grated knuckle that you suffered two wounds ago may eventually go unnoticed!

10) The Shard wound

I believe the Shard wound is due to poor planning, lack of concentration and age. . . ok, maybe not age, maybe slow reactions. There's nothing that creates great drama, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, like the Olympian efforts to catch a falling glass before it hits the counter or smashes on the floor. And while the entrance wound itself goes virtually unnoticed, trying to extricate a sliver of glass from that little fleshy part between the thumb and forefinger is akin to strip mining your hand; and it will pretty much ruin any meal plan.

And there you go. My ten least favorite kitchen wounds.

In my humble experience, the trick to surviving these and moving on with the meal is some good, solid cussing, paper towel. . . and an understanding spouse!